Thoughts on my heart: Ways I didn't know I'd be touched through foster adoption

M's two new "teefers"
Styling some of Nan Nan's sunglasses on the 3rd of July
M's favorite place to be...standing against the ottoman, attempting to grab the remotes.

Watching Daddy play guitar during Family Fun Night at OC


It's been a weird past few months, working through M's adoption. I talk openly about a lot of it, the things that don't interfere with M's privacy and her story, to anyone who will listen. But, there are lots of things that I don't share, that have really been on my mind lately. I share the fact that her adoption will likely be finalized in September, I share that we fostered her first and fell in love and knew that God intended us to have her forever. But, what I don't share with just everyone are some of the behind-the-scenes emotions.

It's amazing how Josh and I have gotten where we are. What started as a struggle to get pregnant, going through miscarriage, fertility treatments and then the choice to foster earlier on in life than planned, with the intention of still having a biological child, but loving on some other babies in the meantime, led us to the adoption of our first child, who we love more than words could ever express (like that super long sentence:)). God really had to tear us down to get us to the point where we are now. I was one who never thought that adoption would be for me. I was supportive of others, I was supportive of it for myself as a "last resort," but I never planned on falling in love with the idea, more than the idea carrying my "own child" myself. That being said, God is still working on me throughout this process.

We hear so often what not to tell expectant mothers, but rarely, if ever, do we hear of things not to tell expectant (adoptive or foster) mothers. I'm writing these things, realizing that I had to truly be torn apart to be built back up and convicted of path my life is taking. A few years ago, I thought the things like I'm about to share frustration with. But, after living it and being torn down, I can say that I truly have a different view.

Old self:
I could never be a foster parent...I could never give that child back...it would just be too hard for me.

New self:
I'm not on this earth to serve myself or my own emotions. I can sacrifice my own emotions to provide a loving and stable home to an innocent child. Christ has called me to a larger life than my own.

Old self:
Adoption would be a last resort for me; I'd much rather have my "own" child.

New self:
I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to adopt MY child. To raise a child with a loving family, the opportunity to know Christ, and to love this child no less than I'd ever love a biological child.

Old self:
I would never want to foster or adopt because there is so much red-tape and training and invasion of privacy.

New self:
A few weeks, months or even years are worth every minute, to love a child, who is alone, otherwise. There is no amount of red tape that I wouldn't go through to keep my little M forever. She is worth every last homestudy, financial statement, reference letter, physical, home visit, travel request, interview, etc.

I have been humbled the past few years by all of my preconceived ideals about family and what that would look like for us. I am SOOO amazingly thankful for that! I thank God every day that he humbled me in that area. I am thankful for infertility, I'm thankful for our pregnancy loss, I am thankful for the red tape. Through the heartache, nights of crying myself to sleep, failed fertility treatments, and other emotional roller coasters, I can come out on the other side and truly say, THANK YOU, GOD!!

I know this is my calling, but with every calling I think there also comes a little hesitation. I feel like I've had to give up a lot to get to where I am. Most days I am at peace with that, but there are those moments where I struggle. There are times that I realize I am giving up the ability to tell friends and family that I'm pregnant, or wear maternity clothes or hear my child's heartbeat, or find out the sex during an ultrasound. There are times that I get teary-eyed, realizing I've missed out on the first 3 1/2 weeks of my precious baby's life. I get tears in my eyes, not knowing where my precious baby was for those 3 1/2 weeks...did her foster family love her? There are times when I get hurt that people can't see beyond the color of my baby's skin. There are times I am saddened by the stereo-types placed on my child. There are times that I worry where are future children will come from. There are times that I feel like I don't fit in with others in conversation or phases of life.

However, even through it all, I still have the greatest sense of peace, because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!! It's about the baby who I hold in my arms every day and forget that I didn't give birth to. It's about the baby who calls me "momma." It's about the baby, who I look down at and forget that she's a different color until I see my bright white skin against hers and for a split second, think she has a tan (this really did happen!!). It's about the baby who I long for people to see as I do, as WE do, as OUR baby. It's about the baby that God has graciously given to me.

HE has broken me down. HE has lifted me up to a new place. HE has taught me it's NOT about me...it NEVER has been. It has always been about HIM and my service to Him. Thank you, God, for breaking me and shattering all of the hopes I thought I needed and allowing me to realize it's about YOU!!!

Past Week Happenings

We've had a super busy past 2 weeks, but they have great! Josh has been working hard every day/night with VBS this year! He (and the TONS of others) did a SUPER job!!! It's over now, so I get my man back! It was lots of fun and I think the kids enjoyed it! I had the toddler group and they were super cute. Several of them were from my Sonshine School class this year, so it was fun seeing them again. Ya Ya came up and stayed a few mornings to play with M during VBS...I'm sure she didn't get spoiled a bit;)

We had a brief first Father's Day for Josh, but will do the majority of celebrating tomorrow, now that VBS is over. I am so thankful that M has Josh as a father! You can tell she loves him so much! She loves listening to him play guitar every night, giving him "fist bumps," sitting on his lap while he's on the computer, playing keyboard with him, giving him hugs and kisses and she gets SO excited when he gets home from work! I think that's her favorite part of the day! Whenever I say "Dada's home," she immediately looks at the garage door and gets excited! She is an even happier child once Josh gets home. Thank you, Josh for loving our daughter so much, for being so selfless, for joining me on our crazy journey to parenthood, for making M laugh out loud, and for being such a devoted father to our little girl!!! She is so blessed to have you as her father!

We had some good visits with friends, I did several sewing projects instead of cleaning house, had several raspberry (new flavor for me) snocones, drank too many Sonic vanilla Cokes, ate too many chips with onion dip, took several naps (a rarity), left lots of chores undone, and I didn't cook dinner at all this week. I literally told Josh every night to go to the freezer and pick out which Lean Cuisine he wanted and I'd "cook" it for him....bless his heart! Aren't I a great wife?!? VBS + 100 degree weather=microwave only! I did, however make Pioneer Woman's peanut butter pie! It is really good! I made it in a ready-made crust and today I added mini chocolate chips all over the top, which made it even better!

Last night we had a great time meeting some new friends through the Kaleidoscope Kids transracial playgroup! We met at a spray park that is literally 3 minutes from our house (had my house been clean, I would have invited them over:)) and had such a fun time! I enjoyed talking to the moms and seeing the precious kiddos! This is such a great idea and is obviously great for me right now, but will definitely be great for M in the future!

The rest of the weekend consists of our Father's Day celebration for Josh, Book Club for me, and Nan Nan keeping M, so Josh can have a night off while I'm away at Book Club!

This coming week we have our last week of swimming lessons for M. She has done so well and I look forward to seeing her swim these last 2 times! We also have our annual family Fourth of July cookout/pool party here on Friday and Saturday! It should be a fun weekend of celebrating!

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Patriotic Bandanna Dress

Here is the completed July 4th bandanna dress for M. The black and white polka dot one is pretty big, so I tried to make this one a bit smaller for her. I took 4 inches in on the sides and 1 1/2 inches in length. Too bad she's asleep or I'd make her try it on:) I'll probably end up trimming the ribbon, too...she's too little to need 40" of ribbon.

Bandanna Dresses

Just for fun, I got some bandannas when they were 30% off a few weeks ago, thinking I would try to make M some bandanna dresses. I found a great tutorial on Trey and Lucy (great ideas throughout the whole blog, by the way!!) and they were super fast and easy! I was able to get the ribbon 50% off today, so that was perfect! Basically it costs less than $4 per dress and you have enough ribbon left to make a matching hairbow:) I plan on making a July 4th one and a birthday one. M will have a Polka Dot Pool Party in August with hot pink, lime green and orange, so the ribbon and bandannas I found for that will be perfect!

On the July 4th one I plan on taking it up a little so it will actually fit my little girl! The great thing is that she can wear the black and white one for a few years!

M is growing up AND guest bathroom makeover!

Our baby girl is growing up so fast!! The past week has been filled with lots of fun new things it's all happened just suddenly! Lately, every day is bringing something new!

-She started crawling on Sunday, but isn't a big fan. She'll crawl a little bit and then decide it's not worth it and roll over.
-She got her first tooth! Thankfully, without any issues at all!!!
-She has started saying ut-dat and pointing...meaning "what's that"
-She can say duck, Dadda, Momma, Bye, she said NanNan and PaPa today for the first time
-She loves to give kisses and hugs while saying mmmmuh and can do it on command
-Waves, especially bye-bye
-Nods her head yes and shakes her head no
-Claps
-Gives fist bumps
-Feeds herself well...she loves black beans and pretty much every other food
-Loves opening and closing doors, turning on and off lights, etc.
-Loves to give all of her babies (and real life baby friends) hugs and kisses, saying mmmmuh
-Squeals REALLY loud and high and then shakes her head no, because she knows she's not supposed to do that!
-Likes standing against things, but refuses to pull herself up yet.
-Loves swimming and started her swimming lessons last week! She doesn't mind getting her face wet.

She is really making us laugh and we're having a blast with her! She's got quite the little personality, that's for sure!


This past weekend we did a total bathroom makeover for our guest bathroom! Josh worked really hard and did a great job!!
We moved in to our house 3 years ago and almost every room had been updated. The guest bathroom had a new light fixture, mirror and paint treatment, but the cabinets were still the ugly original 1970s wood and all of the accents were gold...not really my color. So, it was always kind of the catch all for random decor. We decided it definitely was time for a makeover and our leftover Asparagus paint from the dining room would make the perfect wall color! I wanted something cheery, fresh and different! I love the way it turned out! Josh spent a LOT of time working in there on the new faucet (thanks, previous owners for the 2 toothbrushes that were stuck down the drain), installing the hardware, etc. Three days later, it looks like a new room and is finally updated! I really wish the pictures would do it justice!

Here are the changes we made:
-Painted woodwork black
-Added new brushed nickel hardware to cabinets
-Installed new brushed nickel faucet
-Installed new light fixture
-Painted the previously gold mirror black
-Painted the walls Asparagus
-Made a new curtain for the window
-Installed brushed nickel toilet paper holder
-Moved random accessories from other rooms of the house in there!



Bathroom Before
Bathroom After (green is softer than pictured...gotta love lighting!)
After

Before
After
New light fixture
New Faucet
Once the towel bar was removed, we were able to bring this in from the dining room.
Before
New curtain

After (with shower curtain open....lovely toys and duck tub:))

Ice Cream

My first try at applique! It was fun, although I had to rip the seams about 3 times...my sewing skills definitely need improvement and LOTS of practice!! I used M's leftover quilt fabric for the shirt and for her flower "bow". I also made a flower pin for myself and we had a matching mother/daughter day yesterday:)

9 months old!

M is on week 2 of being 9 months old and is getting to be SO much fun!! We had her 9 month appointment today. She weight 16 lbs 14oz and was 27 and 1/4 inches tall! She is in the 50th percentile for height and a little over the 25th percentile for weight. She is exactly 2 pounds heavier than at 6 months and 2 and 1/4 inches taller.

I can't imagine life without her! She is such a blessing! Her little personality is definitely coming alive! She is going to be a very spunky little one, that's for sure!

Currently she loves to eat baby food, drink from her sippy cup, roll to get places, give kisses (says mmm while grabbing your face and kissing you on the mouth...too sweet!!), read books, dance, squeal, be held, be outside, go to the zoo, get on all fours and rock (not crawling yet), stand up against the ottoman, "sing", shake her head, watch Daddy play guitar, etc.

The past few weeks she has had her first trip to the zoo, time in the moonbounce, bath time in her big girl duck tub (she's not a fan!!), foods (biter biscuits, Cheerios, bread, pieces of banana, etc.).